Warning: This is going to be about non-Christian beliefs. Please do not comment your thoughts about Christianity, or science. I know the difference between religion and science. My father in law (as well as my husband, and I) believe(d) in Christ, and in the All-Father. Please respect that.
I still don’t know how to act like a functioning adult, especially when having to keep up professional appearances.
Three days for bereavement leave, when it is immediate family, feels insulting. I know I’m lucky that my company even offers it, but it would have been nice to comfortably take five to seven days off under bereavement leave.
Grief doesn’t have a timeline. It was compounded last week by worrying about losing my job, because of unscheduled absences due to my father-in-law’s sudden death. I‘ll still lose hours, because my existing PTO and the pittance of bereavement leave, didn’t cover all 40 hours last week.
I should probably start somewhere at a beginning.
My husband and I moved from Minnesota to Florida, in the fall of 2020. We had decided that we needed to be nearer to my husband’s father. For at least as long as he was still alive. Not that, at the time my father in law was in any real danger of dying.
Much like myself, my husband grew up with his parent’s no longer together. So he spent as much time as he could with his father, but it was never enough. Around 2012, Woody (my father in law), moved to Florida with his younger brother (Kevin). The majority of that story is irrelevant, but do know that Kevin was “living past his expiration date” having beaten a terminal cancer two years earlier. Dad (Woody), stayed in Florida after Kevin’s cancer returned, and this time did end Kevin’s life. My husband (Anthony), spent a lot of time, thinking about moving closer to his father after that, but for reasons that are not mine to disclose, Anthony was not able to do that immediately.
So, I was more than happy to move to Florida, when we did, to allow my husband to foster the relationship that he so deeply desired to have with his father. The past two years have been wonderful. I have never loved a man, more deeply as a father figure, barring my own father. Being able to watch the emotional rift between Anthony and Woody heal, scar, and disappear completely was touching. Watching the two of them together, helped me to overcome and heal some of my own wounds, in how I felt about my own relationship with my father.
Woody was always a bit closed off, and not interested in sharing much about himself, which we never pushed or pried. If he wanted us to know something, he would let us know. If we ever wanted to ask him about things, then he would either indulge our curiosity, or he would bluntly inform us that it was none of our business. It was always left at that.
When I noticed Woody wearing an ax pendant with Celtic knotwork one day, I asked him, “Is that supposed to represent Thor’s hammer?” He looked at my sideways, and said “It is Thor’s hammer.” I was a little surprised. I honestly, never expected my father in law to be wearing something like it. So I followed up with another question, “Dad! Are you Norse Pagan?” He looked at me fully this time, with this mix of mischief and annoyance, that I swear only Woody had ever mastered, and simply stated, “Yeah.” As if to imply, that I was an imbecile for even questioning it. That’s the thing with Woody though, and his personal knack for coming off mischievous and annoyed, he wasn’t at all perturbed by my inquiry. Things were just fact, or not fact.
Shortly before his passing, Anthony and I went to the hospital, to say our goodbyes. During our time there, we removed all of his jewelry, save for a ring that he wore on his right ring finger, because that single digit was too swollen to remove the ring. We have no idea how long he had worn it, but my husband and I both noticed that the ring said “Jesus” around the band. When my husband picked up Woody’s cremains this past week, my husband was handed a small zip seal bag, which held a light dusting of cremains, and the Jesus ring. Seeing as Woody so adamantly pointed out that he still believed in Christ, and was a Norse Pagan, I have to belief that Christ saw him through his death.
With that being said, I have to belief, that the All-Father saw him into his afterlife. There was a single crow, that was always outside in the mornings. I came to calling it Haha, because it would make that sound, every morning. It seemed to me, that it did that, until I located what treetop it was in, and said “Good morning, Haha.” Haha wasn’t there a month ago, when I found dad. As a matter of fact, I didn’t hear or see Haha for the past month. This morning, as Anthony and I were leaving for work. I heard it. “Haha.” I looked around. “Haha.” That’s when I looked up, and there it was, Haha. I had mentioned to Anthony, on the morning of what would be the day that dad passed away, that I hadn’t seen Haha at all on that Saturday. Throughout the rest of that Sunday, I also did not see or hear Haha. I wondered aloud, half joking, “Maybe Haha is watching over dad, waiting to escort him (dad) to Valhalla, or Folkvangr.” Later that evening, on September 25th, 2022 dad passed. I think Haha was gone, because dad needed a guide to the next existence.
